


Already Gone

by hellorflying



Category: Grey's Anatomy
Genre: Character Death, Dead Derek Shepherd, F/M, Grief, Grief/Mourning, Heartbreak, How Do You Go On, Last Kiss, Last Times, Last words, Loss, Love Of Her Life, Pregnancy, loss of a loved one
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-17
Updated: 2021-02-17
Packaged: 2021-03-13 00:56:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,129
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29518428
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hellorflying/pseuds/hellorflying
Summary: Even if we know better, we never want to believe that a conversation, a kiss, a hug could actually be the last one. Even if we know better, we never want to believe that we could actually lose someone from one second to the next. It seems so surreal, so cruel that we don't dare to believe that it could possibly happen to us one day. Until it does. Until it does and we are left with nothing but the bitter sweet taste of broken dreams and fleeting memories.Meredith finds out she's pregnant only mere weeks after Derek's death... and it could have been so perfect.
Relationships: Meredith Grey/Derek Shepherd
Comments: 2
Kudos: 9





	Already Gone

Last times. We dread them even more than first times, because there is something so much more terrifying about things ending than about things beginning. The funny thing about last times though is that we never quite know that they will actually be our last times. The last few words hushed into someone's ears, the last kiss a mere peck as a fleeting goodbye before a busy day.

Even if we know better, we never want to believe that a conversation, a kiss, a hug could actually be the last one. Even if we know better, we never want to believe that we could actually lose someone from one second to the next. It seems so surreal, so cruel that we don't dare to believe that it could possibly happen to us one day. Until it does. Until it does and we are left with nothing but the bitter sweet taste of broken dreams and fleeting memories.

...

She couldn't possibly tell how many times she had played it over and over again in her head. Their last conversation, their last kiss. He had told her to wait, to wait up for him, just like he had told her so many years before, when she had finally been ready for them. He had told her that this would be his last trip to D.C. and that after this, it would finally be over. And he would be back for good. And for the moment she actually believed that maybe they would get their happily ever after - until they didn't.

She couldn't possibly tell how many times she had played it over and over again in her head. The last time he had smiled at her, the last time his warm hands had touched her, the last time he had cupped her face, the last time he had kissed her. If she closed her eyes real hard, sometimes she thought she could still feel his soft lips pressed against hers, leaving her with a sense of safety and peace. She could picture him smiling, looking at her with his dreamy eyes. And then he left.

She seemed to remember having a feeling, a sneaky little feeling, in the pit of her stomach telling her to not let him go, not again, not after they had been apart for so long. But it would have only been for a day, maybe two. And then he would have been back. Only that he wasn't.

She couldn't possibly tell how many times she had played it over and over again in her head. Their last conversation, their last kiss. He had told her to wait. He had told her that he would be back for good. He had kissed her. Aside from a voicemail he had left her at some point during that day, a voicemail she hadn't dared to listen to just yet, those were their last times. Their last conversation, their last kiss. And she couldn't possibly tell how many times she had played it over and over again it her head, fully aware that it wouldn't change a single little thing. Derek was gone. He was dead.

The sound of plastic hitting the cold bathroom floor was barely enough to bring Meredith back to reality. Almost automatically she followed the sound with her eyes. She remembered him telling her how happy he was to be back, and that he wanted more. He wanted more of her, more of them. He wanted more children.

And here she was, only mere weeks after his death, sitting on the cold hard floor of some hotel bathroom, staring at the little device telling her that she was pregnant. That alone was a sheer unbelievable coincidence, because even if they had had a lot of reconciling sex in his last few days, she still had a hostile uterus. And yet, here she was. And it could have been so perfect. But the small rectangle stick was staring at her, boring holes into her, wherever she wasn't already broken, and the yellow smiley was laughing at her, as if it knew the absolutely heart-breaking reality of her situation.

"We are gonna have another baby!" she heard his faint, but happy voice in the back of her head. She imagined him picking her up, lifting up her feet from the ground, twirling her around, before he would have kissed her with a passion that would have send a shiver down her spine.

"We are gonna have another baby." she repeated aloud, but her voice was barely a whisper.

This was supposed to be something good, and it was, but right now she felt like she was going to die. Because it could have been so perfect. But it wasn't, because Derek wasn't here. Because Derek was dead. And she was carrying his child, a baby that would never even get to meet its' own father. She imagined the little baby having his face, his eyes, his hair and it simply broke her even more.

Meredith slid along the bathtub with her back until she felt the cold floor against her temple. Salty tears dropped on the floor. She couldn't possibly tell how many times she had played it over and over again in her head. Their last conversation, their last kiss. And for the life of her, she couldn't believe that this was supposed to be it, that this was how they were supposed to end. Because it could have been so perfect. And against all rhyme and reason, she was still hoping that he would just show up, that he would just call and tell her that there had been some kind of mix-up and that he was okay. That he would be home soon.

But he wasn't. Instead of them getting their happily ever after, he was gone. Instead of them finally getting to be happy together after their marriage pretty much hit rock bottom, Derek had died. She crossed her arms protectively in front of her stomach, as she sobbed quietly. There was a little bit of him inside of her... and it could have been so perfect.

...

Last times are ironic, funny maybe, if you have a morbid sense of humour, because most of the time they happen and they go by without us even noticing. We never know that a conversation, a kiss, a hug could be the last one. Well, actually, we do know. We just choose to ignore it most of the time. It's a painful truth we try to push aside. It's a painful truth that seems so cruel that we don't dare to believe it could actually happen to us. Until it does. Until it does and we are left with nothing but broken dreams and fleeting memories.


End file.
